Here are some collected funny posts from The Newsgroup. Most of these are seriously hilarious, but might just require some secret Nethack knowledge to make you laugh. Original authors are mentioned in the posts, collecting these posts and HTMLising by Mikko Saari.


From: Keolah <>
Subject: Re: Minetown fountains buglet
Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2000 21:53:16 -0800

In article <>, (Laura M. Parkinson) wrote:
> Along with the monsters genocided, etc etc lists that you get at the
> end of the game, if you've used a camera you should also get a list of
> pictures you've taken. ;)
> A picture of a startled rothe
> A picture of an angry forest centaur
> A picture of a statue of Perseus
> *grins* well, just an idea ;p

Picture of a pretty fountain.
Picture of a water nymph trying on a very familiar looking Hawaiian shirt.
Picture of angry water demon.
Picture accidently snapped of corridor while running from said water demon.

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ASCII sheep...

From: Nick Number <>
Subject: Re: question about Ascension Posts (YAAP)
Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2000 14:15:12 -0800

Dave Whiteside wrote:

> The question is now :-
> Do nethackers dream in ASCII or in tile mode ?
> I had an ASCII dream last night [must of played too much NH recently]..

Do flesh golems dream of ASCII sheep?

...Nick Number, sea lawyer

"I know what you're thinking about," said Tweedledum: "but it isn't so, nohow."  
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be; and if it
were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  That's logic."

Sauce diving

From: (Alix And/Or)
Subject: Re: Spoiler - spells and #enhancing for 3.3.0
Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2000 18:36:43 GMT

On Tue, 18 Jan 2000 11:23:30 +1300, Josh Boardman
<> wrote:

>[ I don't even know where to begin with sauce diving,
Start with something fairly mild like mayonnaise or blue cheese, then
move on to the acidic ones like ketchup and brown sauce. Only when you
are really confident in your skills should you attempt the hot sauces
like mustard or Tobasco, and always make sure you get a really tight
seal around your mask. That stuff will burn!

Hope this helps :-)

More photography

From: (Laura M. Parkinson)
Subject: Re: Minetown fountains buglet
Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2000 16:40:16 GMT (Mana user) pondered for a while, then blurted

>>Picture of a pretty fountain.
>>Picture of a water nymph trying on a very familiar looking Hawaiian
>>Picture of angry water demon.
>>Picture accidently snapped of corridor while running from said water
>Picture of floor...
>That would be very cute. A bit big perhaps though. If they did though, Turists
>could get points for each unique thing they to a picture of.


Picture of floor--more--
You can make out tiny bugs in the picture--more--
They are on strike against unsafe wand testing!

(Hey, maybe a side-effect of testing a cursed wand of striking on the
floor could be that the "bugs" that give the helpful messages all go
on strike and no longer give any messages?)


-'-,-'-<<0 Trickster 0>>-'-,-'-

"Be cunning and full of tricks and your people shall never be
destroyed."   -Richard Adams, Watership Down


From: "D. Bingham Brown" <>
Subject: Re: Yearn for distant homeland?
Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2000 09:08:32 -0500

David Goldfarb wrote in message <863fd5$ed0$>...
>In article <>,
>Noah Samuel Lesgold  <> wrote:
>)James Daily <> writes:
>)> I step on a magic-trap and get the message "You suddenly yearn for
>)> your distant homeland"
>)It means you yearn for your distant homeland. [1]
>)[1] which has no in-game effect
>If you step on one while on your Quest portal level, you will yearn
>for "your nearby homeland".

I always thought hallucinating valkyries should pine for the fjords.

Bingham Brown

Cooking skills?

From: David Damerell <>
Subject: Re: Never cease to be surprised!
Date: 19 Jan 2000 17:32:55 +0000 (GMT)

Eva R. Myers <> wrote:
>mentioned here, and I wonder about "Your healing skills tell you that
>Ashikaga Takauji's wounds are mortal" when you've killed him with a
>wand of death or by disintegration or stoning.

*zap* *bkoom* "Your cooking skills tell you that the cloud of greasy smoke
was once Ashikaga Takauji. You deduce his wounds were mortal."
David/Kirsty Damerell.              w.sp.lic.#pi<largestprime>.2106
|___|          Any sufficiently technologically advanced music         |___|
| | |               is indistinguishable from line noise.              | | |

Nethack through the mirrorshades

From: (Alix And/Or)
Subject: Re: Would you hit a guy with glasses?
Date: Sat, 22 Jan 2000 18:17:13 GMT

On Sat, 22 Jan 2000 12:29:58 +0000, mormegil
<> wrote:

>(IMO they missed a trick there; they could have created different kinds
>of lenses...)

You wear the Silver MirrorShades of Gibson -more-
You feel charismatic!

Alix And/Or

'We are number one. All others 
are number two - or lower.'

Chunks of meat

From: Justin Sexton <>
Subject: Re: Explosive Jump (was Re: new idea for 3.3.1)
Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 08:50:52 -0800

Virgo Vardja wrote:
> John Kale wrote:
> > On Sat, 15 Jan 2000 06:36:32 GMT, Don Quixote <> wrote:
> >
> >>cast a spell of fireball or a wand of fire (magic missile?) at the floor
> >>and you will be able to jump. Of course you would take damage-- maybe
> >>about half damage as if you pointed the spell/wand at yourself.
> >>This idea my have been brought up before, but I thought it was
> >>necessary.
> >
> > Exploding land mines throw objects on the square around the room;
> > seems like they ought to throw the player too...
> At least *bits* of the player :-)

You see here 2 small chunks of meat. --more--
You can't feel your legs. --more--
You feel yourself slow down. 

Justin Sexton
"Heavens! The Scarlet Puh-puh-puh-pumpernickel!"

address munged - prune foliage to reply

Quantum Nethack

From: (Ross Presser)
Subject: Re: Schrodingers cat
Date: Mon, 24 Jan 2000 20:48:51 GMT (Jeff Zeitlin).wrote.posted.offered:

On second thought, the DevTeam already included "Your position suddenly 
seems uncertain", which kinda rules out any special tunnelling.

Bell's inequality effects would be covered under telepathy.

How about turning yourself into a Bose-Einstein condensate?

[quaff a potion of coherence]
You feel cold! -more-
You begin to slow down. -more-
You begin to spread out. -more-
You have achieved coherence. -more-
[at this point the player "@" has spread to cover a random number of squares]
You decohere. -more-
You begin to speed up. -more-
You feel warmer again. -more-
You notice that you have moved for some reason.
[at this point the "@"s have disappeared and your location is randomly 

Ross Presser
"And if you're the kind of person who parties with a bathtub full of
pasta, I suspect you don't care much about cholesterol anyway."

Real Life meets Nethack

From: (Startide33)
Subject: New Monster Idea
Date: 25 Jan 2000 00:01:42 GMT

I have Ideas for some Nasty Non Playing Characters; doctors, lawyers, etc.

a new item: pager, which can call up doctors or lawyers.

Doctors will cure you blindness, sickness, sliming, etc in a ziffy, but charge 
an enormous bill. Carries stethoscope, scalpel, and several scroll of charging.
They are peaceful and very hard to dispatch. You can visit them at the randomly
generated hospitals, or summon doctor by using pager. They charge you more for
being summoned.

The doctor read a scroll of charging. 
Your money is sucked into the doctor's purse.

Lawyers will be very convenient if you enraged some peaceful and vital
characters, such as priests, shopkeepers, or quest leader. (or doctor). Lawyers
will carry a bag of holding full of fortune cookie. (Rationale: all law student
study for 3 years is the "holdings" of the case, which is one sentence summary
of the relevant law.) Lawyer's fee is also very expensive, and they have really
nasty collecting methods, such as foreclosing on your articles. If foreclosed,
you cannot use the article, you cannot ditch it, but have to carry it all the
way till you pay up. For example;

You hit Y-Card.
Y-Card is angry.
Y-Card hit, Y-Card hit, Y-Card hit.
You pages for a lawyer. 
Lawyer settles with Y-Card for 1,000 zomkid.
You pay Y-Card 1000.
Lawyer charges you for 10,000.
Lawyer foreclosures on you Mjollnir, grey dragon scale mail, gauntlet of power,
speed boots, bag of holding, etc.

Get the idea? Maybe lawyer can help you when you are overtaxed, if he did not
flunk tax law course at law school. 

From: (Bagpuss)
Subject: Re: New Monster Idea
Date: Tue, 25 Jan 2000 11:35:36 +0000 (GMT)

Or for those with less money:
The doctor says you'll have to get this operation done on the NHS. --More--
Please come back three months next Tuesday.  --More--
In the meantime here's a prescription for some pills to stop the infection 
spreading. --More--
d - an illegible scroll.

Richard Smeltzer
But it can still be a brighter day, all I need are some cooking 
utensils and my special party hat...

You can look but you can't touch

From: Joel Gluth <>
Subject: Re: YASD cockatrice #$!@#!!!!
Date: 27 Jan 2000 11:04:55 +1030

"John Kale" <> writes:

> What? Why did I have to touch the thing to #offer it? I wasn't blind.
> I've played this game years and I never knew that...


I'm having interesting mental images trying to imaging *not* touching
something when #offering.

"You poke the cockatrice corpse with a stick. --more--"
"The Lady looks the other way."

"You drum your fingers next to the cockatrice corpse. --more--"
"The Lady seems uninterested."

"You pick up the cockatrice corpse on the end of your sword. --more--"
"You zoom the cockatrice corpse around the room on the end of your
 sword. --more--"
"You make zooming noises. --more--"
"The Lady turns up her nose."

Hack on hack on hack on,
Joel Gluth // Software Engineer, N-space.
"The way to a man's heart is through his chest."      -- Diziet Sma

Now, some commercials...

From: Tommi Syrjanen <>
Subject: Want to have a safe trip through the Plane of Air?
Date: 27 Jan 2000 15:31:25 +0200

Are You tired of being swallowed and pummeled to your death by those
pesky air elementals? Wouldn't You want, just for once have a peaceful
picnic admiring the scenery of the world famous Cloud Bank (tm)?

Well, now You can fulfill your dreams with only 200 zorkmids. Just buy
one of our brand-new Wands of Polymorph (tm) and Your happiness (and
survival) is just one zap away. Whenever an irritating air elemental
tries to bother You, just zap at it once or twice and Your peace is

You can also extend the useful lifetime of Your Wand of Polymorph (tm)
by purchasing our Blessed Scroll of Charging (tm) extension kits for
only 300 zorkmids apiece. 

Here are some testimonials from our satisfied customers:

  - I used to die all the time in the Plane of Air by those horrible
    elementals, but now I just zap once and the whole problem is
    solved. (Wizard, 25 level)

  - I was worried before arriving the Plane of Air, but luckily I had
    bought a Wand of Polymorph (tm) and a couple extension kits and my
    ascension was a breeze. (Samurai, 29 level)

Order Your Wand of Polymorph (tm) now, for just 200 zorkmids, and we
guarantee that You won't run out of Your Amulets of Life Saving (tm)
again or double Your money back.

Slash'EM or S&M

From: (Laura M. Parkinson)
Subject: Re: A group for S'EMers? Was: Re: Best thing for a lucky adventurer...
Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 06:48:59 GMT (Karl Knechtel) pondered for a while, then blurted

>BTW, to the original poster, "long subject line - SLASH'EM" is not a good
>way to indicate that your post is about S'EM, since some newsreaders will
>clip long subject lines to various lengths for screen formatting - the
>usual, and I think preferred, style is "[SLASH'EM] long subject line..."

And as a note, "S'Emers" isn't a good thing in the subject, either. ;)
I first parsed it as "S&Mers" and was expecting this post to either A)
have been sent to the wrong newsgroup (spam), or B) have something to
do with a bullwhip, foocubi, seductive nymphs, scrolls of punishment,
the #ride command, or some/all of the above.

-'-,-'-<<0 Trickster 0>>-'-,-'-

"Be cunning and full of tricks and your people shall never be
destroyed."   -Richard Adams, Watership Down

Snowball in Hell

From: Joel Gluth <>
Subject: Re: YAAP-Tourist
Date: 30 Jan 2000 15:04:44 +1030 (Jason Brown) writes:

> About the same chance of a snowball surviving Gehennom :)

Funny you should mention that. Snowball was a large cat of mine a
while back, who polymorphed into a Silver Dragon. With me most of the
game, maxed out levels, stamping all over everything. And you know

She didn't survive Gehennom.

Hack on hack on hack on,
Joel Gluth // Software Engineer, N-space.
Burl not. Poing, or Clag. There is no Burl.


From: Virgo Vardja <>
Subject: Re: Some strangeness...
Date: 31 Jan 2000 14:02:42 GMT

> Keolah <> writes:
>> The ice-cold blade freezes the lynx! The lynx just misses!
>> The lynx hits! You're covered in frost! The frost doesn't seem
>> cold!

Lynx just misses! Lynx hits! Lynx summons Netscape! --More--
Netscape hits! Netscape hits! Netscape hits! Netscape hits! --More--
Netscape summons IE! --More--
IE hits! IE eats your brain! IE eats your brain! --More--
You die... --More--


Sig? What sig?

From: (Karl Knechtel)
Subject: Re: Some strangeness...
Date: Tue, 1 Feb 2000 02:22:02 GMT

Virgo Vardja ( wrote:
: Lynx just misses! Lynx hits! Lynx summons Netscape! --More--
: Netscape hits! Netscape hits! Netscape hits! Netscape hits! --More--
: Netscape summons IE! --More--
: IE hits! IE eats your brain! IE eats your brain! --More--
: You die... --More--

Of course, you could have protected yourself with an opera cloak :)

: -- 
: Sig? What sig?

That sig.
Karl Knechtel {:-#>
da728 at torfree dot net
Zahlman -S hits! You die... --more--

Money money money

Subject: Re: Some strangeness...
From: Keolah <>
Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2000 10:01:34 -0800

In article <>, (Dylan O'Donnell) wrote:
>Keolah <> writes:
>> The ice-cold blade freezes the gold golem!
>> (This I'd like to see:P)
>Cold, hard cash :-)

So if you drop a gold golem in a moat, does that make it
"liquid assets"?

Then if you freeze the moat, does it become "frozen assets"?

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Night of the Living Dead

From: (Chris Foley)
Subject: Re: Bizzare occurance...
Date: Tue, 08 Feb 2000 05:08:01 GMT

On Wed, 02 Feb 2000 00:12:37 GMT, Don Quixote <> wrote:

>I was a Xp Level 10 human barbarian, so I liked to smite things. I had
>telepathy, a blindfold and Cleaver. I was wandering along in the mines
>and found a magic trap-- alright! free stuff, and maybe charisma. So I
>put on m blindfold and jumped in. No prob, creatures were easy to kill,
>and I was smiteing left and right. All of a sudden I get the message:
>"The dwarf zombie hits!"
>I couldn't see anything (except the "I" where the zombie was) I was
>blind and zombies don't have brains. So I hit back. 
>"You smite the dwarf zombie!"
>"You destroy the dwarf zombie."
>This thing happened with quite a few more undead creatures. But why?
>there is no way I should have known what kind of undead creature was
>attacking me!


It said "Beeeer..." instead of the classic "Braiiiins..."

Chris Foley, catching spam at

Ego weapons

From: (Chris Foley)
Subject: Re: more fun questions
Date: Wed, 09 Feb 2000 05:13:32 GMT

On Tue, 08 Feb 2000 21:39:05 -0500, James Daily <> wrote:

>> Can you equip any pair of Artifacts?
>If you were a famous artifact, would you like to be held second to another

"Mornin', Snick!"

"Hey, Mornin', Excalibur, how're things?"

"Oh, not bad like.  I should be happy this yob remembered to wash his hands
after his morning latrine, I guess."

"Yeah, not easy being a named artifact in this game, that's for sure.  What are
we up to today?"

"Not much -- looks like some more slaughter 'n' sacrifice.  Oops, hold on a


"Whoa, nice one, X."

"Thanks.  Another day, another four rothes!"

"And here they go on the altar..."




"Whooooooah!  See that?"

"Yeah, Snick.  Always gives me a shiver right down to my hilt.  Wonder what..."

"Whoops, looks like I'm getting put in the bag for a bit.  Here I come!"

<from bag>: "Herro!!!"  "Oh hey, Tsurugi, what's up?"

"Wow, wonder who the new guy is... what the?  Hey, pal, this ain't Emeril

"H1 D00D!!11!  1 AM 5T1N6!!11! THE 3L33T W3AP0N 0F CH01C3!!1!!11"

"What the?  STING?  Instead of Snickersnee or Tsurugi?  Er, isn't it wrongly
aligned anyway?"

"U CANN0T B3AT TH3 M16HT OF 5T1N6!!1!"

"Oh crap... HEY YOU!  Yeah, you, buddy.  Look, drop me off at the next
fountain, will ya?  Yeah, that Lady is a lot easier on the eyes than your moldy
corpse will be..."

Chris Foley, catching spam at

Spellbook of Summon Help

From: JPV <>
Subject: Re: Might as well ask
Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2000 15:50:17 -0800 (DeborahRG) wrote:
>New idea: spellbook of summon help.
>You summon the demon Dylan, who will answer one question for you

"Dylan O'Donnell appears! He speaks! -more-"
"'I will answer one question!' -more-"
"You may ask one question of Dylan. -more-"
"What do you want to ask?"
>What's the probability of quaffing a blessed smoky potion,
>getting a djinn to grant me a wish, and then successfully
>wishing for and (W)earing a blessed +2 SDSM before that black
>dragon gets into range?
"Dylan frowns. 'That's really several questions, you realize.'"
"Dylan pulls a rangefinder from his bag. -more-"
"Dylan wields a rangefinder!"
"Dylan sizes up the distance to the black dragon. -more-"
"Dylan reads a scroll of source! Dylan looks authoritative!
"Dylan speaks! -more-"
"'Not bloody likely.' Dylan disappears in a puff of source!
"The disintegration ray hits you!"


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Hidden source code

From: "Trebor A. Rude" <>
Subject: Re: YAFD
Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2000 22:55:41 -0700

Ulf Sjöstedt wrote:
> akuo wrote:
> >  28         69  akuo-Arc-Gno-Mal-Neu died in The Dungeons of Doom on
> >                 level 1.  Killed by a kitten called Tom.                -
> > [12]
> >
> > antti
> Tell me this: why is it that whenever you get yourself paralyzed
> or slept or whatever, the critter that finally does you in is always
> the weakest on the level?  Is there an extra check for this in the
> code?  It's always "Nisse the 10th level so-and-so killed by a newt".
> A newt?  Isn't that insult to injury?

	Yeah, there is a check for it in the code... it's in .sadism.c in the
doc directory (you wouldn't look for a source file in the doc directory,
would you?).
This is also the source of the code that puts monsters in the hallway
when you're in Sokoban, and the code that makes sure you find whatever
you wish for/buy with your own money on the next level generated. I'll
bet the DevTeam thought they could hide it forever in the doc directory,
but now their dirty little secret is out. It's an interesting read, too.
You should see some of the comments... 

:), if you couldn't tell.

Trebor A. Rude
Registered Linux User #89308

Rosetta Stone

From: (Laura M. Parkinson)
Subject: Re: Food For pets
Date: Mon, 21 Feb 2000 22:20:23 GMT (Tuuli Tuominen) pondered for a while, then
blurted out:

>On 21 Feb 2000 21:16:45 GMT, Raisse the Thaumaturge wrote:
>>   Raisse, killed by a kitten called Rosetta
>It'd be funnier if it were
>    Raisse, killed by a stone called Rosetta

Or how about...

The cockatrice hits Rosetta!
Rosetta turns to stone.
You begin to make more sense of the odd symbols in your spellbooks...

-'-,-'-<<0 Trickster 0>>-'-,-'-

"Be cunning and full of tricks and your people shall never be
destroyed."   -Richard Adams, Watership Down

Meddling with time

From: (Curly++)
Subject: Re: YANI - Potion of Time

On 23 Feb 2000 using part of 17 Jan 1876, David Grenier wrote:
> On Tue, 22 Feb 2000 19:55:56 -0500, (Curly++) wrote:
> >Visit Mr. Emanenifrehtona's potion shop on DL666, he can sell you 
> >time in a bottle.  Or I'm going to be very upset...
> Time for another new idea...  Namely, the Potion of Time.
> Potion of Time
>     Takes you back 10 turns in time.

The potions I was speaking of give you more time now, not other
time!   You're not describing a potion, that's a scroll effect. 

Imagine you find a scroll a DL7 and decide to read it...

"What do you want to read [hGW *?]"
"This is blessed scroll of turn-teleport! --more--"
"to what turn would you like to teleport? [0-999999]"
"Your game ended on turn 157492. --more--"
"Do you want your possessions identified? [yn]"

Oh look!  I wonder where I found that extra wand of wishing? 

Oisin  "Killed in a crash with the `other' Enterprise"  Curtin
Surface Liaison, Minetown Digger                    Send no SPAM.

Pet name fun

From: goldfarb@OCF.Berkeley.EDU (David Goldfarb)
Subject: Re: Pet Names?
Date: 2 Mar 2000 10:25:06 GMT

In article <>, Wingnut <> wrote:
>You can get some good laughs from naming pets weird things like "The invisible
>Wizard of Yendor" or "Asmodeus." But the game doesn't care what your pets are

The really nasty thing to do is to name your pet,
Invisible Asmodeus hits! The dog

so that (if you're on a multi-user system) when someone gets your
bones file and your pet attacks them, they see,

Invisible Asmodeus hits! The dog bites!

Also you could name your fruit "war hammer named Mjollnir" and keep
exactly one of them around at all times.

If you're into that kind of thing.

   David Goldfarb       <*>|"To summarize the summary of the summary:  | People are a problem." |          |                -- Douglas Adams

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